SUNDAY SERVICE
“Bro, I'm Straight Up Not Having a Good Time.”
Hurts'nForASquirts'n remained perfect at 3–0, keeping the league's only unblemished record intact.
LastPlacePony stormed back from 0–2 with 144 points, proving the name might not stick.
Myles High Club pulled off the season's first blockbuster trade, reuniting with Justin Jefferson and grabbing a W in the process.
dweezerstein tumbled to the basement with just 79.62 points, and the “Unholy Trinity” found its first host of the season (lowest score, worst manager, and below projection).
Meanwhile, Takin'TheDayOffToZayOff scored only 88 points, lost again, and slid into 7th place — which explains why Liam is, in fact, not having a good time.
- PorncHubb (f.k.a. OnlyFants) came up just short in a matchup that could've swung with the tiniest of breaks. For the second week in a row, his bench was a true Hubb for points. A brutal way to drop one.
- Diddy's PR Team dropping 169.5 points on Juwanna WynnSome was less of a matchup and more of a crime scene. The league's top scorer this week is reportedly considering sending an apology card — or maybe flowers — for inflicting unnecessary heartbreak.
Message from the Commish
Week 3 brought us highs and lows. Some of you climbed, some of you crumbled, and some of you still don't know what you're doing.
I'll leave you with this: consider the squirrel. He hoards acorns in abundance, yet forgets where half are buried. In time, the acorns remember him.
THE TRADE REPORT:
The league's first blockbuster is in: Myles High Club landed Justin Jefferson and David Montgomery, sending Derrick Henry and Drake London to Takin'TheDayOffToZayOff.
TRADE GRADES: MYLES HIGH CLUB: A — TAKIN'THEDAYOFFTOZAYOFF: C+
Stars of the Week
(Hurts'nForASquirts'n)
(Diddy's PR Team)
(Hurts'nForASquirts'n)
(LastPlacePony)
(Hurts'nForASquirts'n)
(Diddy's PR Team)
COMMITGPT POWER RANKINGS™
- Hurts'nForASquirts'n (+1) – The last undefeated, riding high.
- Diddy's PR Team (+1) – Taylor and the Vikings D carried the sermon.
- Myles High Club (+1) – A win and a blockbuster trade — momentum building.
- LastPlacePony (+3) – Back from the dead with 144 points.
- PorncHubb (–1) – Competitive, but just can't quite close the gap.
- dweezerstein (–3) – Rough outing, but the upside is still there.
- Takin'TheDayOffToZayOff (–3) – Searching for answers, and maybe a little luck.
- Juwanna WynnSome (–) – Still working to WynnSome.